Yeah I Am Still Alive
Warnng: I gave up on proper grammar, way to lazy to edit, so yeah u have been warned
Well…. I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but somehow you and I both ended up here.So what to say?
Well lets make this into a little blog session thing.
So pretty much everything is pretty monotonous, trust me my village is damn small and damn boring.
Overall i had some traumatic experiences during the summer that led to some trace of depression, fantastic ain’t it?
A good friend of mine went through sex violation and practically broke my heart when i found out. Though it i a little bit if-y because she cuts a lot of it out, but it could be due to shock or some type of repression. She is doing better since the last time i have spoken with her. But i worry, she was never very stable to being with. Only thing to do is be there if she need me.
my personality is just a dull empty shell of an impersonation of what it once was. I feel like i kinda lost myself. Well u would not know cuz u don’t know me but follow along in my ranting.
Have u ever felt like there is a ‘certain image’ you have to maintain to everyone, if you some how break from that mold everyone that u kept that image for are
1. thrown off and avoid you
2. thrown off and repudiate you with this like “are u on ur period?” yeah you know what i am talking about (well people of my generation will, i think)
or 3. just ignore it
and by rare chance 4. actually ask you what is wrong.
So yeah this “new me” is just not a cheerful and mrs.sunshine a it use to be, i am actually pretty tired in keeping that image
i ended up kinda isolating myself which had some ups and lot of downs
So alot of the time i get waves of loneliness which really never happened, i usually liked my “me time”
Plus pervios/over arc-hinging relationship issue have been bugging me. Well not bugging that ain’t the word i want, more like they come across my mind a lot more. A lot of the “what if questions.”
So a pervious chapter of my life minus everything in the summer (cuz that’ a different chapter so to say) I had a somewhat stable relationship
But in the end i fucked it up cuz i was just…well me
yeah doesn’t really explain much but yeah
An overview is that at that time me personally me and my parent were not getting along and it got sorta violent and it was taking a toll on me.
Me just being me kinda didn’t want this innocent dude who just entered “my world” to experience that
neither did i want him to lose that image that he held so high for me to get tainted. Plus other things like i hardly had time for him anymore, my academics took most of my time made me feel like it wasn’t fair for him.
Having a gf that can blow up any minute that doesn’t have time for u= no good Ha
It’s weird I know but that’s really the only way i can explain it
In conclusion i didn’t think he could Handle a person as “issued as me” i felt like a burden to him if i just poured all my feelings/ problems to him. I didn’t want to bring him down, so i ended it.
But again like an idiot broke it off with alot of cliff hangers.
Personally because i didn’t want to cry/ burst out in front so i tried to do it quickly (yes i am idiot okay, i got it)
I find crying so degrading and hardly cry in front of people= in the long run pretty bad
thing on my mind that i wish i could have done
1. Actually be able to talk to him
2. or at least tell him clearly why it wasn’t working
But i look at where i am now and things are worse then when they were before, so i feel good in that i saved him from all of that
All i wanted to do was protect him, so he didn’t need to get hurt
and i wish i could say that i stand by in what i did, but i can’t
I’m human i ain’t perfect, but i tried
I kinda wanna clear it up but i feel like it’s too late, plus he may have his own issue and problems he is going through.
I wish him luck on his life and good fortune and maybe a 2nd chance, so to say, But that’s a bit selfish and unfair.
In my world their is really one person that i live for now, she is the only person that has been able to understand me.
I don’t think she realizes how much she means to me and how much she has and is helping me. I thank her for being in my life cuz without her i really don’t where i would be.
This is kinda a tangent from everything else so continue to bear with me, if u have not still lost interest in this person’ tale.
Have u ever had times where u decided to listen to ur ipod and stated to listen to a song (follow me on this i have a point, i promise)
So your there siting and listening, but like really listening cuz it is just you and that song, so you close ur eye and ur one with the beat of; one with the singer of it. Then you start to pay attention to the lyrics. Then you start to make connections to it and are all like “yeah that is exactly how I feel/think” . So now u have this song about a person in a similar situation as you and it like BOOM! all the feelings that u were retaining hit u like a brick wall!
Yeah that’s been happening alot, kinda tells you a little bit about my playlist
I really ain’t complaining, or well i am trying not to, it’s more of ranting on and on. Cause i know somewhere out in the world there is another soul that is much more worse off then me
I am pretty grateful in what i have and I am grateful for everyone in my life
so a message for me to you and for every one is
“Heads up high and keep moving foreword”
best wishes~SLG
